Beer Samplers, Gay Zombies, and Being Kissed on the Mouth While Everyone Watches

I’m not sure how the whole trip started, but I do remember drinking beer samplers with Dave and Jeremy on Saturday night and the next thing I knew we were in the plane headed for Chattanooga the following morning.

We landed in time for lunch and a beer sampler at the Big River Grille, and like the unpredictability of the previous night’s sampler, we had no idea where the day or night was going to lead, so we just meandered through, keeping our minds open to what’s out there.

When the sampler ended, Jeremy ordered us Long Island Ice Teas. “It’s hot out there,” he said. “We need to rehydrate.” So we downed the Teas effortlessly, all in the name of rehydration.

"Where to now?" I asked the waitress.

"Big Chill," she said. "Get the Sangria."

But first we decided to walk across the bridge spanning the Tennessee River in search of hydration on the other side. It was hot, steamy, and long, but we kept going. Then finally, across the street from the bridge, there the universal Cocktail symbol (neon martini glass.) We stepped in from the heat.

The place was empty except for two guys--one polishing glasses, who looked up long enough to make eye contact with Jeremy and smile in an odd shy kind of way--and another behind the bar who suddenly lost his focus when he saw Dave.

"Well, hi, there, boys. What can I get you?" He looked right at Dave and suggested, "A tall drink of water?"

The tone of his voice and the way he said "boys," made me look around at the restaurant. Instrumental music I couldn't quite identify was playing above, tapas was being prepared, and there were sculptured images of animals on the wall.

I returned to the guy behind the bar just in time to see the glass polisher smile at Jeremy. Jeremy tried to look away, but was a little too late. "Flaming Blue Hawaiian," I said. "With an extra umbrella."

"Silly, I don't know how to make that," he said, putting his hands on his hips. "I've never even heard of it." He laughed towards Dave, as if he was having fun at my expense and trying to get Dave in on the joke.

"I'll take a Red Stripe then," I said.

"The Wizard of Oz," Jeremy said.

Dave and I looked at Jeremy, not quite sure what he was ordering.

"The Wizard of Oz," he repeated. "It's the music from the Wizard or Oz."

And as we listened to it, we realized he was on the money. We placed our order, and by the look on the bartender's face, I got the feeling that we upset him because we didn't order Martinis, or Manhattans, or Cosmos, or whatever hip drink was in fashion that day. Perhaps we should have paid a little more TV-attention to Carry when she ordered drinks with Charlotte, Amanda, and that lawyer-chick with the kid.

I took another look around as the bartender grabbed the beers from the cooler. The shy smiling Glass Polishers; the tapas; the hands on hips with the elbows pointed just a little too far back...being called "Silly."...And then it dawned on us that we were in the middle of a gay bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But three guys who are not gay do not belong in a gay bar unless accompanied by at least one woman. Time to go.

"So soon?" the glass polisher asked as we asked for the check. He looked right at Jeremy and said, "But you just got here." I'd heard that tone before when I've left my parents house after spending three days helping them unpack from moving. "Chuck's has karaoke tonight," he called as we passed through the door.

Outside, I glanced back through the window just in time to see the two boys waving. Glass Polisher blew a kiss and pointed at Jeremy as if it were for him. And I, playing along, caught it in the air and planted it on Jeremy's back with the slap of my hand. "So where to?" I asked.

"Big Chill," they both said.

The Big Chill is in downtown Chattanooga and is famous for the slurpee machines behind the counter. We ordered Sangrias made with PGA.

"What the hell is PGA?" I asked.

"Pure grain alchohol," the bartender said.

In the corner, sipping our drinks we sat across the aisle from three older guys also out for a Guys Day Out. But as we exchanged conversation across the aisle, I noticed that they were sitting a little closer together than we were, and I could almost smell the Axe body spray from where I sat.

"You guys need to check out Chucks," one said. "Tonight's karaoke."

"Sure," I said. "We'll see you there." And to me, that sounded like fun until we went back to the room and Googled "Chucks" "Chattanooga."

I've got nothing against going to alternative bars, but again, it's best to have a female present--not because I fear for my life, or I'd care if anyone saw me there, but because I guess I think I'm so damn handsome that I'm not sure if I could handle all the advances, and the female would run interference for me. Or perhaps it's just the opposite...what if even the balding, overweight 70 year old doesn't buy me a drink? Where does that leave me? Imagine what that would do to my self esteem.

After dinner, we ended back at Big River for drinks where we ran into a newlywed couple who was just married that day, so I opend up a tab and bought them a round drinks. Everyone was having a great time. Drinks were flowing and everybody was getting loose...even the newlyweds.
She said they were on their wedding night, and they couldn't be happier. "Really. We couldn't be happier....Really....couldn't be hap-pee-yer." She drank the shot I bought them. "Really....Happy."

Then she looked at me quickly while her husband was looking away, and something didn't seem right. The husband turned just in time to hear her whisper, "So you wanna come back to our room and party?"

I declined, but wished them well, and bought them another round of drinks.

I joined Dave and Jeremy, drinking with new friends and truly enjoying the whole new-city-with-great-friends experience. Everyone was getting along, telling funny stories, laughing at all the right parts. Dave was sitting close to the gorgeous blonde, looking like he had found a new dive buddy. The whole world seemed at peace...until...

...until the older guys from The Big Chill arrived. And just behind them was the glass polisher and the bartender from the Tapas place. It seemed they had all met at Chuck's, and had come looking for us when we didn't show up for karaoke. The bartender started in, "We've been looking everywhere for you boys." They all gathered around, seriously putting a damper on the Mojo Dave had working.

The bartender held up his hand, "Cosmo, please."

"Manhattan," Glass Polisher added.

"Fuzzy navel," Older Guy Number 1 ordered.

With his hands on his hips and elbows pointed back, he sauntered closer to Dave. His tone was different...not so welcoming. "Who this?" he said, nodding toward Dave's blonde. And just as Dave was about to respond, the fresh drinks arrived.

"Cocktails!" Glass Polisher cried. He took his from the waitresses tray and clinked Jeremy's beer. "To new friends."

I picked up on the fact that Jeremy was becoming agitated--not just because some guy clinked his glass, but because Dave was seriously interested in the blonde, and if these guys hung around much longer, she might get the wrong impression, and thereby blow his opportunity. But they began to slowly move closer and closer, closing in on us like three well-dressed zombies.

They were all around us, and I could see the horror on the blonde's face. The whole night she spent talking with Dave, and by the conversation I heard, she really liked him and was truly interested in him. But now all her hopes were being dashed because she was beginning to think he had other interests. She was growing more distant with each inch of progress the gay zombies made.

Usually, I'm full of ideas, but this time there was nothing I could think of to help my buddy Dave and save us from the boys. They were moving closer and closer, and we were as far against the table as we could get without climbing on top of it. The poor blonde, feeling misled and unappreciated was now looking at the Bartender, Glass Polisher and Older Guy Number 1 moving into territory she thought was hers.

Then, like a miracle my newlywed couple burst through the line of zombies, grabbed my hand and blurted out, "We're going. If you change your mind we're in room 612." She didn't even try to be discrete about the key, she just put it on the table, then leaned over and planted an open-mouth kiss on me while everyone watched.

It was a while before she came up for air, and when she did, it took a few moments for me to collect myself. But when I did, I saw the blonde scoot her chair closer to Dave's just as the boys were walking away. But when I looked for Jeremy, he was nowhere to be found. My buddy Jeremy was missing. And you know what else, friends and neighbors...so was that key.

At least that's the way I remember it.